I’ve been blessed to have great medical professionals in my life. I feel like they’ve been very patient to hear me out, explain things to me, and answer questions when I contact them for advice.

But I’m going to have to tell Dr. Ryan I will no longer be needing his chiropractic services. The other day I was laying on my back on the floor with my head tilted to one side when my toddler saw an opportunity to carpe diem and sat on my face. My neck cracked a few times. Sure, the next day it was throbbing and I may or may not have monitored myself for any signs of slow-onset paralysis, but think of how much time and money I’ll save by not having to go to an educated and experience professional any time I feel jacked up?

My primary care physician is great too. At my last annual physical when she and I were discussing the blood panels she was going to be ordering for me I asked her to include Leukemia in the screening too due to the sheer volume of bruises I have all over my body. She awkwardly giggled as she jotted a note and I swear I sensed the resident student sitting in the corner rolling her eyes, but it was a legitimate concern of mine my doctor was gracious enough to address. Boring story short, I’m perfectly healthy and very grateful. The diagnosis was psychotic, overly-active children. The prognosis isn’t encouraging. Some say my symptoms will fully clear up by the time my kids turn eighteen. Until then, my self-recommendation is that I make my legs less butt-white so the bruises blend in better. Oh and that’ll probably help the varicose veins blend in too. I didn’t even GO there with her. That’ll teach me to wear high heels nine months pregnant because I want to be a magical pregnancy unicorn.

It’s hard being a hypochondriac. When I went to my doctor because my ear had been hurting really bad and then at lunch before my appointment I went to eat a slice of pizza and my mouth barely opened, I asked her how I would know if I had a brain tumor wrapped around my ear/jaw area. Those are pretty strange symptoms to coincide at the same time so I was bracing myself for the worst and to throw away my cell phone and get a land line. Turns out I had an ear infection and TMD (Temporomandibular Disorder, for those of you who get a rush out of big words). Lock jaw.

I had a bit of an accident while preparing to administer Ibuprofen during that particular fever.

When my son was stricken with a high fever that made him tremble and vomit between doses of Ibuprofen, I took him into the pediatrician for guidance. The nurse sat down and started typing as she asked what seemed to be the problem. “Well I think I’m Team Ear Infection. I was going to be Team Strep Throat but now I’m not so sure. I think there’s too much drainage for that. I also Googled Zika Virus and it doesn’t look like it’s that.” I mean, I’ve never seen our chart, but I’m sure there’s probably some kind of gold star next to our last name for being such exemplary people.

I see all these people sparring over social media about health issues, almond milk vs. cow’s milk, gluten vs. no gluten, dairy, wheat, soy, blah-bliddty-blah. I stay out of it because I know that if all of those people are spending as much time researching, talking to doctors, and over-analyzing everything as I do, then they truly feel like they’re doing what’s best for their family. And that’s what’s important. And if all else fails, there’s this great resource called WebMD, {insert “eye roll” from my husband} and I hear it knows all of the answers.

Please — show me I’m not alone by commenting below with your best hypochondriac moment!