How do I feel about my husband’s new position at the corporate offices of a lawn and garden company? Good. Super great. Not at all concerned about my ability to fit in with his new co-workers………

My husband’s new boss asked him his first week of work if we had a real Christmas tree this year or an artificial one. I could feel a lump of anxiety growing in my stomach as he was re-telling me their conversation. Did he tell him we were too cheap to buy one each year? Did he tell them we’re scared of pine needles? And fires? And sap? Basically…the nature of it all? Turns out all his boss was wondering is if it was because we were against harming the environment and killing trees. Whew! No.

I mean, I buy plants every year — some pretty red flowers. So it’s not like I don’t have any idea what I’m doing when it comes to lawn and garden stuff. I even buy some dirt, er, soil with those little white beady things in it so the flower roots can grow into that and not clay. In fact, I was going to buy some kind of flowering vine to grow up our front porch, but after a few weeks of neglecting the flower bed I noticed a wild vine starting to climb up in a few places. When you discover a free vine doing exactly what you want it to, you water that crap. Even if it’s a weed. As it grew longer I tenderly wound it around the posts of the porch and our home looked downright enchanted by the end of summer.

I wanted to do a garden last spring since the previous owners of our house had a big raised garden bed already established in the backyard. The wife even left a note saying it was organic. I wasn’t really sure what made a garden organic. I was scared I was going to have to pick bugs off the leaves by hand, use water imported from a virgin mountain spring, and constantly affirm it for its good life choices. And I just knew that one day my dog would go out there and pee all over the garden and forever alter the pH level of the sacred organic soil. The week I said out loud that I was going to do a garden I saw my first rabbit in the yard. It’s like it heard me make promises for the future that would benefit him.

So we dumped several bags of sand in it and threw some shovels, pails, and toy cars in there for the kids and now I can sleep at night knowing they have an organic sandbox to play in.

I even go as far as to name plants. We have three young pine trees in our backyard that are named after my husband’s brothers. I texted the guys pictures after we planted the trees thinking they’d be touched by the sentiment and all they were concerned about was one of failing to thrive or dying. They have NO faith in me.

So I think I have a few solid stories to create some common ground with my husband’s new co-workers. I’d love to break the ice by having them share their horticultural wisdom with me. I legitimately do want some advice on what to do with this house plant (pictured above) that’s starting to show some signs of…ahem, distress.

Maybe I should sprinkle it with dog pee.

#doplantsgetseasonalaffectivedisorder #buckupbrother #shouldigiveitchocolate